There is a scene in The Lord of the Rings (Two Towers) where Sam asks Frodo: “I wonder what kind of a tale we’ve fallen into?” and Frodo replies, “I wonder. But I don’t know. But that’s the way of a real tale. Take any one that you’re fond of. You may know, or guess, what kind of a tale it is, happy-ending or sad-ending, but the people in it don’t know.”
One of the interesting parts of being a Jesuit brother-in-formation is navigating the uncertainty that lies ahead of me. When I go out for apostolate, the usual question I get is, “how many years more until you finish?” Every time this is asked, I take it to mean, “when does your formation end?” But based on experience, I’ve noticed that what most people really want to ask is, when will you start celebrating mass? When can we call you “father”? Or when can you hear our confession? The truth is that probably most of us are wired into thinking that for a male religious in formation, ordination is the finish line. When in fact, the end-goal of formation is service, and sacramental ministry is a subset of that bigger category.
When confronted with these questions, there are times when I honestly feel tempted to cut the conversation short by letting the other person believe I will actually get ordained someday. And the temptation is coming from the urge to save time and spare myself from the trouble of explaining.
But my laziness aside, these questions actually allow me to get in touch with the uncertainty that comes with my formation as a brother. I can say I somehow share in the cluelessness of Sam and Frodo, having only some inkling of what’s going to happen in the end. Although the experience of uncertainty is not exclusive to religious brothers, unlike a scholastic whose structure of formation has some institutional clarity to it, a brother’s formation can be quite open-ended. Our formation program is flexible and can vary from one formand to another, taking into account our individual gifts, interests, and the needs of mission as discerned by our superior.
Thus, the image I have for my calling is that of an open door. And that doesn’t come without challenges.
One of these, as I’ve mentioned, is the inconvenience of often having to explain myself and my vocation to others. Another would be a certain feeling of isolation. Being on a track different from my peers (especially to someone who has a high need for affiliation), can sometimes feel lonely. Every time I’m asked, “what’s your plan for the future?” I’m partly saddened by the reminder that I’m moving in a slightly different lane from most of my brothers, whose company I treasure. That at some point, I will have to go on my own adventure into the unknown.
There is, finally, fear in recognizing that there is no fixed and well-defined trail for me to tread.. Like entering a barely-charted territory, there is that inevitable question that surfaces in my mind, where exactly am I headed for?
And yet, in the face of all these, I find that my own path as a brother is a wellspring of untold graces.
First of all, the flexibility, the very open-endedness, is precisely what lends life and wonder to my pilgrimage as a brother-in-Formation. This was, to be honest, one of the things that attracted me to the vocation of the brother from the start. Not being tied to the end goal of ordination and sacramental ministry opens me to countless other possibilities, other ways of witnessing to the Gospel, other ways of serving and being available for mission, other ways of making God’s presence felt in a world that seems to be getting lonelier by the day. Again, the image of an open door.
Another grace I find is that, precisely because I’m not on the road to ordination, I am led to finding a deeper and more intrinsic value in my current stage of formation. I am now in my final year of First Studies, where I’m studying philosophy with my scholastic batchmates. As a brother, I feel a constant inner invitation to consider my classes not merely as canonical requirements to be hurdled, or as stepping stones to obtaining clerical status. I am invited, rather, to see them as a means by which I am formed to dialogue with the world; and by which I am being equipped in the enterprise of meeting people where they are. In short, my identity as a brother moves me to intentionally orient my studies directly towards service and availability for mission.
Finally, being a brother-in-Formation often makes me reflect on what it really means to be a Jesuit. I often get asked: “So if you won’t say mass and hear confessions, what will you actually do?” Questions like this cannot but make me ponder about the real place of brothers in the Society of Jesus. And if there’s anything I realized, it’s that being a Jesuit goes beyond the functions that we play.
Although the Jesuit is undoubtedly someone who does a lot of things (we are Contemplatives-in-Action, after all), the lack of definiteness in my function as a brother grounds me to the profound mystery at the heart of every Jesuit vocation: that we are here not simply to perform tasks—like cogs in a wheel—but to be in a Relationship. First and foremost, with Christ, and then with our neighbor. Otherwise, we confuse living out our vocation with having a career.
In my last eight-day retreat, as I revisited my contemplation on the post-Resurrection breakfast at the Sea of Tiberias (a Scripture scene that has held a special place in my heart ever since my 30-day retreat as a novice), I spent time reflecting on God’s love for me and found myself asking, “Lord what can I do for you?” And in the silence of my prayer, I felt Him answer, “Keep me company.”
And then I realized, Hey, that’s who I am. That’s my identity. I am a companion of Jesus! All the work and studying I do simply form part of this bigger calling to accompany Jesus (who is doing the real work) on his mission. And I realize that that’s where the fluidity of the role of a brother acquires beauty and meaning—it reminds me that I am more than my functions, and my vocation is more than a career. It is a relationship with Christ which overflows into my relationship with my neighbor.
In the end, I find that my brotherhood, for all the struggles that come with it, consistently draws me towards the core of my Jesuit identity—towards greater availability for mission; towards greater interior freedom; towards greater identification with Christ whom I’ve encountered in the Spiritual Exercises—Christ who is loving and chaste, childlike and obedient, humble and poor. Christ who is truly, authentically alive.
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JP Socrates, SJ is a Jesuit brother-in-formation currently in his second year in Philosophical Studies. He entered the Society of Jesus on August 1, 2022 and pronounced his vows in 2024. Prior to joining candidacy, he earned his Juris Doctor at the University of the Philippines and was admitted to the Philippine Bar in 2022.