The Sacred Heart Novitiate, also known as the womb and the tomb of Jesuits in the Philippines, is a place of profound and life-changing encounters with the Lord. Encounters embodied in simple and honest interactions with co-novices and formators, in the ordinary tasks of manual work, in simple gestures of appreciation and encouragement, in fraternal correction that genuinely cares, in the acceptance of one another’s limitations, in forgiving mistakes, or in just being present for the other in silence. This sacred space has taught many, myself included, that God is present in these abundant human experiences. Through constant reflection, relishing, and determination to find God, I have come to understand deep in my heart that God is always present. There have been simple yet profound experiences of love manifested in deeds beginning from Him, moving through all of us and back to Him.
Journey Back Home
I wondered why I felt an unease after a few months of staying in the Novitiate—as if I was not fully who I was. There seemed to be something in myself that was unknown to me, my blind spots. In the succeeding days, I remember navigating community life carefully to conceal my weaknesses, woundedness, and sinfulness. However, no matter how hard I tried to present and show only the best part of myself, little by little, my patterns started to emerge, and tensions began to pull from the opposite sides. Tensions between my tendency to defer as opposed to standing firm with the greater good in the long run; in not taking sides when listening to the different views and principles of my brother novices; in gaining more for myself rather than giving myself to the community; in trying to control the direction of my life instead of allowing the Lord to shape me.
In the silent and prayerful space of the Novitiate, the Lord’s invitation complimented by the formators’ gentle push and reassuring support brought ease to my spirit and led me to trust in the formation process. Such safe space and faithful trust inspired in me an open disposition that moved me to hand over illusionary control over my life to the Lord who has been with me alongside my formators. Tools like the Psycho-Spiritual-Integration Workshop (PSI), Sexuality Workshop, and many others provided an avenue to grow by allowing us to take a long loving look at ourselves and move through the slow process of acceptance and healing.
It was only possible to fix my gaze tenderly on my own wounds because the Lord has accepted me for who I am. The daily challenge of self-confrontation often led to experiences of God’s persistent, warm, and patient love, which gradually penetrated the depths of my being and moved me to accept myself a little more each day. Rather than being like a wandering creature who felt alone and was concerned only about his own well-being. Gradually, I learned how to respond with kindness in return for the mercy and compassion that never got tired and never ran out. In all this, I began to feel a strong sense of belongingness spreading from the depths of my heart. The wanderer who was lost has now become someone dear, a beloved son. I am brought back home, a foundational grace that broadens my freedom. The fear of being least, last, lost, or of being abandoned has been cast out through the unceasing and enormous love of the Lover. True, fear may come to haunt me from time to time, but the Lover always has stayed and continues to stay true to His words, “You stay where you are, and I will come find you.” Finally, the beloved son is invited to stay at home, to stay close to the Lord no matter where I go, to stay connected through prayer, the consciousness examen, in silent reflection, and in the most ordinary activities. Slowly, quietly, unnoticeably, I am striving to learn, imitate, and assimilate the ways of the Lord’s Most Sacred Heart by staying close to Him—allowing myself to be seen as I am, warts and all. After all, home is not found somewhere out there. It is rather found deep within—with God who is within.
Striving to love as Christ Loves
Being at Home, I am no longer held down by my own pain and wounds that once limited my capacity to respond to the Lord’s invitations. There is no need for me to fit in, to perform well, or to be too careful about how to act in the community. Being at home fosters growth in interior freedom, creating more space to respond even when the invitations are in conflict with my usual ways of doing things.
Jesus loved without limits, so much so that He emptied Himself and became man. He humbled Himself and obediently followed the will of the Father even unto death on the cross. Born in human likeness, He experienced everything that is human except sin. We are drawn not only to relate to the God-Man but also to have a foretaste, partaking of His Divine Love sanctifying our human ways. In the Novitiate, we are invited to develop the habit of constantly contemplating the gospel of Christ so that it may be made present in reality, where we are: in the challenges of living in a community, in the apostolate, and in prayer. This need not be expressed in grand ways nor do we have to look somewhere far to experience it. For example, in the community, simply sacrificing preference of the food we like, or in the way of organizing a common area, or the movie we want to watch, or what plants to grow in the garden, or in following our schedule—these little acts of sacrifice become avenues to practice the religious vows.
On a more personal note, the call to conversion moves me. From letting go of my own preferences and the ways I was accustomed to, so as to imbibe the Lord’s way of proceeding, from being committed only to my family and few chosen people to a wider way of loving that is all-embracing—all this is a challenge and change is deeply palpable. Learning to love, letting go, and accepting other people who were once strangers to me stretched my heart. There are days when it feels like a razor cutting gently through my heart. In the process, it has led to opening, widening, and deepening the gift of the Lord, a holding space allowing others to be welcomed and accepted for who they are. In the end, I am able to grow in generosity and sharing myself because I have been accepted, loved, accompanied, and nurtured. I am Home. Though I understand that I will never be perfect and that I may still be distracted or yield again to my frailties, the Lord still sees and accepts me for who I am, a sinner who continues to strive to grow and be more like Him. For the Greater Glory of God. Amen!
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Josell L. Caipang, nSJ is a second year novice who entered the Novitiate in August 2024. He worked in two Thermal Power Plants for three years as Cadet Engineer at Steag State Power, Inc. and as Field Engineer at Therma South Inc. – Aboitiz Power before joining Arvisu Candidacy House in 2023.