Fr. Antonio Basilio, SJ
5th Sunday of Easter
April 29, 2018
What if things go wrong? What if my paper get rejected again for publication? What if I do not finish my PhD degree? How do I answer questions from people? I am afraid I will be so broken in spirit if I do not finish my degree? Lord, why did you send me here — If only to fail?
These questions haunted me when I was fifth year into graduate studies. As a Jesuit, after my Philosophy studies, prior to my theology studies — I was asked by our superior-then to do doctoral studies in Chemistry. While I had opportunities to study in English-speaking countries, I was asked instead to study in Taiwan and be part of a doctoral program where their premier state university would be, for the first time, offering the degree in English. I was part of a pioneering program!
As soon as I got there, however, realities of the troubles of living in a non-English speaking region set in. I was the only non-Chinese student who confirmed. I ended-up to be the lone non-Chinese in the program. The doctoral program was new — imagine being the only student in a three-hour class where four professors take turn in teaching, and they had a teaching assistant as well. Most of the time, I had difficulty understanding the English of my laboratory companions, as the heavy Chinese accent muddled the words. I had tensions and miscommunications with some of the people there. Furthermore, the fact that Taiwan is not only non-Catholic but non-Christian as well, aggravated my situation. Christmas day and the Holy Week Triduum are not holidays. A crucial qualifying exam for the doctoral program was held during my first Christmas day in Taiwan. I felt derided when one of my Chinese lab mates asked, “How can somebody like you, a scientist, believe in a God, whom you cannot see or measure in the lab?” I countered, saying “Not because you cannot measure or quantify, you automatically say it is not true — just like your mother’s love, you cannot measure, you cannot quantify, but it is true!”
All these, with the uncertainty and difficulty of finishing doctoral studies, and the need to obtain a high-impact publication, contributed to my anxiety and worry:
What if things go wrong? What if my paper get rejected again for publication? What if I do not finish my PhD degree? How do I answer questions from people? I am afraid I will be so broken in spirit if I do not finish my degree? Lord, why did you send me here — If only to fail?
My dear brothers and sisters, in the Gospel reading for today, Jesus tells us that He is the vine and that we are branches, and tells us to remain in him, to abide in him. We need to be always connected to Him; to abide in Him means to act in accordance to Him — and this is what is asked of us. Jesus promises “whoever remains in me will bear much good fruit” If we remain connected to him, we are assured of fruitfulness. Faithfulness results to fruitfulness. If we respond in fidelity, we become fruitful. We should focus on fidelity. Unfortunately, most of the time, we are concerned more about the outcome —
Will I be successful or not? What happens if I fail? What if I turn out to be a failure? Will the results be good? Can I be proud of the outcome? What will other people think of me? Will people judge me? Will people misunderstand me? What if other people appear better than I?
We become anxious, we become worried. The Gospel reading today reminds us that the outcome is not for us to worry about. Faithfulness results to fruitfulness. We strive to be faithful – and that is what the Lord asks of us. Rather than worry about the results, we strive to be faithful even in times of difficulty and hardship: How can I remain faithful despite the many negative things happening in my life? We trust in God to take care of the fruitfulness. In the Gospel last Friday, we hear of Jesus saying, “Do not let your hearts be troubled, trust in God, trust also in Me.”
What eventually happened to my studies?
I tried to hold on, earnestly searching for a deeper purpose (aside from getting a degree) for my being (as a Jesuit scientist) in Taiwan. On my sixth year there, during the Christmas eve, we had a laboratory meeting where each of us take turns in updating the group about what was happening with our research. We finished quite early and the professor asked the group if there is something we can do before we finally end. One of post doctors suddenly blurted out, “Can we ask Tony to talk about Christmas?” I was surprised as I was unprepared to talk. I made a quick prayer and reflection and realized that the question was one of honest curiosity, no longer with sarcasm or derision. I then shared them about the Lord. There was an overwhelming joy that welled within me as I shared. When I reflected more on this, I realized that perhaps I was sent there in Taiwan in order to witness to scientists there the possibility of faith and the compatibility of science and faith.
Less than six months after Christmas, I unexpectedly got my publication and was able to finish. Faithfulness resulted to fruitfulness. I just had to hold on, not to worry, and trust — everything shall be well in God’s time.